Days Like Today

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Maybe even sleep for a few weeks. I know I’ve mentioned how much my dreams bother me, but even they’re preferable to the way I’m feeling right now.

I think the hardest part for me is knowing that the way I’m feeling is completely irrational. I take slight scoldings and treat them like the end of the world. And, to me, they are. Because if someone has to scold me, I messed up in a miniscule way that I ought to have been able to correct on my own. Instead, someone else has to notice it and tell me to fix it.

And, if there’s one thing I hate, it’s other people telling me how to do things. I love to learn, but I don’t like it when I think I have it down and mess up. Like this morning when I was on watch. I was yelled at for something so small and that I had no way of knowing, but it still hurt me. It hurt me to the point where all my irrational fears and doubts came back up to the surface, the ones I’d been working so hard to get past.

I know I’m better than that. I know I’m a good person who wouldn’t try to do things wrong on purpose. I know there’s no reason for me to feel like shit every time someone tells me I messed up.

But I do.

And it scares me because, if this is how I react in the military, how am I going to behave in the civilian world? How am I going to handle not having a chain of command to help me with everything? Not that they really help me much, but they’re a convenient source of blame.

But, the point is, when I get out, I’ll have no one to blame but myself. And, really, that scares me, too. Because I play the blame game. I don’t like that, but I do. And, if the only person I can blame is myself, then I’m going to blame myself for a lot. Probably more than I actually deserve (because I’m a masochist like that), but I’d be shouldering a lot. And I’m scared that, when that day comes, I might be alone.

I’m not saying there’s trouble in paradise, far from it. Relationship-wise, the only problem I really have is that he’s shouldering a lot of my stress and burdens right now and, even though I know the day will come where he’ll need me to do the same, I feel guilty. They’re my problems. No one else should have to put up with them (Oh, that’s an old wound, isn’t it?).

I should stop now. I’m rambling because I’m tired and have to stay up even longer than I wanted to. I planned to go to bed after dinner, which I skipped to type this up. It’s ok, though, I’m not all that hungry. I had a very big burger for lunch (because I skipped breakfast).

Ok. Rambling’s done. Posting now.

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Thank You~!

Somehow, while I was away, I managed to get to 100 total likes on my posts! When I first saw it, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, me? With that many likes? Naw… It couldn’t be, right?

But all of you who’ve been following my ramblings, listening to me talk about all sorts of nonsense, you’re the ones who’ve got me to this point. Thank you so much! It makes me feel much better just knowing there are people out there listening to what I have to say, you know? Do you ever get that way, too?

Alrighty, so, here’s my update for the weekend. I’ve pretty much moved in with my “boyfriend” (he apparently dislikes being labeled as such, but more because he hates labeling people in general). We just got a new TV (which is awesome, by the way) and a PS3 with a handful of new games plus what he has on his account. It’s been fun, especially because I surprised him (and I use the term very loosely) with the new Tomb Raider game, which he’s been playing almost nonstop since we got everything set up last night. I got a new RPG, Atelier Ayesha, which has been interesting. And, by interesting, I mean there are irritating voices and a very slow beginning.

The only problem with my moving in has been that we do have to spend time apart during the week. It’s only because there’s a level of professionalism we need to keep at work and, more importantly, transportation issues. Neither of us has a car right now and taxis get expensive after a while, so we’ve been restricted to walking, hitching a ride with other people on the ship, or giving in and getting a cab. I try not to go for taxis as much as possible, mostly because I just don’t like to rely on them after one left me hanging all morning (did you know there are people who STILL don’t own cell phones? #FirstWorldProblems)

Well, now that I think about it, I guess it really isn’t a problem. I just have to learn how to deal with it and use me time again. Which is weird because we pretty much smothered each other in the beginning. I don’t know how many other couples do that and, frankly, I don’t really care. I just want this to work. Which, for me, means I need to have time to devote to my physical fitness (the PRT- physical readiness test- is just around the corner), studying for ESWS (Enlisted Surface Warfare Specialist), and just taking care of myself as a person.

It’s weird, but I’m starting to see myself as someone of worth. Is it through the number of likes I’ve gotten here? Partially. But I think it’s more the way I’ve been able to rationally organize my thoughts here while still keeping myself true to what I’m feeling. It’s making me a better person, being able to both recognize and categorize my emotions without cheapening them or pretending they’re something they’re not. There’s something truly liberating about being this way and I don’t plan to stop here. This is just the beginning.

I’m going to keep writing, keep drawing, keep thinking, and start doing. And I hope to keep seeing you along the way~! <3

Valentine’s Baking Experiment: SUCCESS!!

 

 

The Experiment

 

Oh my gosh, guys. I’m excited for tomorrow.

I made the above cake pop (and about 20 others) for my division for Valentine’s Day and I’m soooo excited to share them with everyone.

Oh, and that date of mine? Yeah, we’re, um, a thing right now. I really, really hope it works out… I like him a lot, guys. I really, really do.

And… Yeah, I planned to seriously update, but… the cake pops have made me sleepy. I’ll get back to y’all tomorrow…

Keeping It Short

It’s already late here, so I’m going to just go over some of the major things that happened.

Nothing. Today was blissfully boring.

I can only hope tomorrow’s just as pleasant. It’d be a great end to a great week. I mean, I got my work done by Tuesday, managed to get by without any massive fights with the DCPO Work Center Supervisor, survived ATG’s attack on my gear, and even managed to fix some stuff.

There was one major thing to happen, though. I’ve been talking with the chaplain that’s been coming every week, just to get stuff off my chest and everything and, well, he started pushing the whole religious side. The thing is, the way he explained how he saw it, it made sense to me. But there’s still a massive fear of being involved in a church, setting aside time to read the Bible, making that sort of thing a habit, and, most importantly, trusting God to take care of me.

I don’t trust anyone to take care of me; I take care of myself. I mean, you can see what a bang-up job I’ve been doing lately, but I really do feel like I can’t trust anyone. The world is filled with selfish people who will screw you over just to get a slight advantage over a handful of other people. I’ve had that happen to me so many times, I don’t even want to give someone the chance. And, yes, that’s one of the main reasons I’m still scared by my “date” on Sunday. I don’t want to open up to this guy and have my heart shattered again. I couldn’t do it.

But, back to the matter at hand.

I know that God is above human pettiness and doesn’t stand to gain a thing by making me miserable, but I just can’t bring myself to let go of everything that brings me down. Sometimes, it feels like that’s all I have to hold onto, you know? Even if it’s the anchor that’s dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean, if I can’t swim, that anchor is the only thing I have to hold onto.

Wow. So much for keeping it short.

Anyway, yeah, I’ve just been thinking about it. Maybe. But, I don’t see it being something that’ll be happening anytime soon.

Letting go and taking help from someone I can’t see and whose presence I can barely feel isn’t, well, very feasible for me right now.

Afterlife – The First Sketch Derp

Just some random doodles based on my current writing project, "Afterlife."

Just some random doodles based on my current writing project, “Afterlife.”

It just occurred to me, as I was pulling this up, that I haven’t even introduced Afterlife and here I am, getting ready to share some derp about it.

So, what exactly is Afterlife?

It’s a novel WIP of mine (at least, I’m hoping it comes out novel-length) about a young woman named Julia who wakes up at her funeral. Well, not really wakes up. Her spiritual form becomes conscious at her funeral. When she comes to, she finds herself confronted by a woman who claims that Julia has a second life to live, one that will determine whether she goes to “heaven.” But, in order to get there, Julia has to face down her greatest fears and weaknesses.

I’m still developing a lot of the story and characters and what I have here isn’t everything, but it is the gist of it all. I’m in love with these characters and, if I ever get a chance, I’d love to finish it.

More info to come in later posts~! :3

Why Aren’t You Real?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished fictional characters were real. It was a huge thing when I was a little girl and still is to this day. Heck, I’ve even wished some of the villains were real so I could go along with the good guys to stop them.

But I’ve never wished characters were real more than when I became a fan of Supernatural, Sherlock, and Doctor Who. I mean, not only are the characters likable and, well, downright drool-worthy, but they’re very real, very believable. I could believe in Sam and Dean, I could definitely believe in Sherlock, and I desperately want to believe in the Doctor. I want to believe in them so badly even though I know they’re just actors on a TV show. It makes me feel like a little kid telling her parents that Little Foot was real and how could they possibly know he wasn’t because they weren’t there.

And, as soon as I wrote that, I thought to myself, “That’s totally something the Doctor would say!”

See what I mean? I’m borderline obsessed.

Actually, I don’t know why I throw in “borderline.” Face the facts, ginger, you’re obsessed.

But I think that happens to all fans of these series.

I adore the cast of Supernatural, on and off set. Jared and Jensen are hilarious and I love Misha to bits. I even kinda ish know Jim sorta. By that, I mean, I’m a Facebook/Twitter follower and occasionally get responses, depending on what I’ve posted and all that. But I doubt he’d recognize me in a crowded airport.

I’m not nearly as close with the cast and crew of Sherlock/Doctor Who. I follow them a bit, but mostly just try to be understanding of the fact that they value their personal lives too much to be actively involved in social media. But I love that Martin and Benedict are going to be in the second Hobbit and I’m fangirling over the new Star Trek right now simply because I get to see Zachary Quinto and Benedict in the same movie. I mean, come on! That alone is enough to make me giddy.

But, yeah, I love these guys and wish I could be a more involved person with the production of these sorts of things instead of being in the Navy. I almost feel like the stress from working on those sorts of things would be much more rewarding than life on the ship. In the Navy, it feels like there is no real reward for doing well. At least, not on my ship. If you ever do really well at something, the most you get is a pat on the back.

Well, and a paycheck every couple weeks. That’s always a good thing. But, y’all know what I mean, right? Sometimes, when work is all you have, you’d like a little bit of a confirmation that you’re legitimately doing a good job. It shouldn’t be, in my opinion, that you have to work yourself to death to get a slight form of recognition.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Love y’all lots,

Izzie

Study Buddies~!

So excited! I have a study partner for the E-5 exam! And he’s clearly the smartest in my work center, so I stand to gain a lot from studying with him.

Of course, there’s always the potential for disaster. Why?

Because he’s the same person I have a crush on. And he’s clearly trying to find excuses to be around me, which I really don’t mind. I just want to make sure that I don’t get in trouble. As I’ve said, dating people in the work center is a big no-no. We’ve already lost one tech that way. Of course, if I permanently become DCPO, that won’t really be a problem, huh?

Also, there’s potential for drama. I’ve been thinking about it off and on throughout the day. My ex, who is quite possibly the sweetest, kindest man in the world (he still treats me like I’m an amazing woman even though I’m not), started mailing me letters while I was on deployment last year. No one knew about this, of course; I keep the majority of my personal life personal. But, over deployment, I didn’t get a single letter and I just now got his first letter.

The problem? Every woman in my division knows about it. They haven’t told any of the guys, but I get the feeling that this is going to blow up in some way later down the line. Murphy’s Law, you know?

Oh, and, remember how I mentioned that special breed of asshole? Turns out, my day wasn’t miserable.

Quite the opposite.