I don’t know how many of you are like this, but I’m a compartmentalizer. I stuff emotions and thoughts away in separate parts of me and do my best to keep a lid on them. For a while, before the Navy, it worked pretty well.
I cried when the little jar of sadness started to get too full. I’d laugh and smile when appropriate. I’d be serious when the situation called for it. I was always doing what I could to be exactly what was needed.
And it worked.
But, after this weekend, I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m lost and confused and I don’t know what I want from life anymore. I know I can’t stop myself from feeling the pain of the loss of my grandmother, how sudden and sterile the whole affair has been. Everything I have done has been purely business and I have no idea how I can go to work tomorrow.
Everything hurts and I wish it would either stop and go back in its little cubby or that the world could just stop and let me be human a little longer.
I just need a little longer, guys. I need to understand what the hell is wrong with me. I need another few days or something. I need some time where I can stop worrying about everyone else and just… breathe and sort myself out. Repack my mind.
Being human feels more like insanity sometimes.