One Of Those Moments

Where you hurt, have a vague idea as to why, but can’t pinpoint it and put it down into words. I’m having one of those and I think that’s what’s going to kill what I have going for me right now.

I know I’m just depressed. And that’s why I’m trying not to say anything to him right now. What I say when I’m depressed and what I say when I’m not are like… the words of two totally different people. Yes, it’s all me, but the differences are massive. When I’m not depressed, I’m full of snark and wit, but, when I’m depressed and people try to “cheer me up,” I just start clinging to my depression. It’s stupid and stubborn, but that’s what I do.

I think it comes from years and years of my dad acting like I had no right to the way I feel. He would always tell me to stop bitching or, if I told him that something he did made me feel a certain way, he’d tell me that, no, it didn’t and that I was being stupid. And I’d just cling to it. Whatever it was, I’d hold onto it. Because I’d be damned if I let him tell me he knew what I was feeling better than I did. People can tell me they know more than me all they want, but no one knows what I’m feeling better than I do. No one.

And every time someone tells me to stop crying or that there’s no reason to get upset, it just hurts more. Because I have every right to hurt. I have every right to feel what I’m feeling. Even this incredible, intense ache I’m feeling now, I have every right to experience it.

The world doesn’t like to see a girl cry, but what happens when the girl wants to cry?

Why can’t I enjoy my pain as much as my laughter? Why can’t my tears stand just as tall as my thoughts? It just seems so silly that the rest of the world doesn’t see the value of all emotions. We try so desperately to fix what doesn’t need fixing. Being sad, that’s human. Loving someone so much that it almost physically hurts to watch them walk away for a week, that’s human. And, if I plan to be a strong human being, I can’t stifle certain emotions in favor of others. I can’t cut out the sorrow just because joy is preferable.

It’s just not right to do that to myself. I’d be cheating myself if I did.

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