It’s already late here, so I’m going to just go over some of the major things that happened.
Nothing. Today was blissfully boring.
I can only hope tomorrow’s just as pleasant. It’d be a great end to a great week. I mean, I got my work done by Tuesday, managed to get by without any massive fights with the DCPO Work Center Supervisor, survived ATG’s attack on my gear, and even managed to fix some stuff.
There was one major thing to happen, though. I’ve been talking with the chaplain that’s been coming every week, just to get stuff off my chest and everything and, well, he started pushing the whole religious side. The thing is, the way he explained how he saw it, it made sense to me. But there’s still a massive fear of being involved in a church, setting aside time to read the Bible, making that sort of thing a habit, and, most importantly, trusting God to take care of me.
I don’t trust anyone to take care of me; I take care of myself. I mean, you can see what a bang-up job I’ve been doing lately, but I really do feel like I can’t trust anyone. The world is filled with selfish people who will screw you over just to get a slight advantage over a handful of other people. I’ve had that happen to me so many times, I don’t even want to give someone the chance. And, yes, that’s one of the main reasons I’m still scared by my “date” on Sunday. I don’t want to open up to this guy and have my heart shattered again. I couldn’t do it.
But, back to the matter at hand.
I know that God is above human pettiness and doesn’t stand to gain a thing by making me miserable, but I just can’t bring myself to let go of everything that brings me down. Sometimes, it feels like that’s all I have to hold onto, you know? Even if it’s the anchor that’s dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean, if I can’t swim, that anchor is the only thing I have to hold onto.
Wow. So much for keeping it short.
Anyway, yeah, I’ve just been thinking about it. Maybe. But, I don’t see it being something that’ll be happening anytime soon.
Letting go and taking help from someone I can’t see and whose presence I can barely feel isn’t, well, very feasible for me right now.